"Suck an Egg"
literally have you ever tried sucking an egg
I go to this one udon place, Marugame Udon. It’s at a college-kid intersection of “cheap” and “authentic”, and I like it there. One of the things they serve to make the udon better than just a bowl of noodles is the onsen egg, which is a slow-cooked soft-boiled egg, served in-shell for you to crack open and deposit into your noodles. It’s a silky, custard-like experience, and really elevates the starch, but.
(Cracks shell, pours egg into udon)
Me: Oh dang there’s a lot of egg left inside the shell
(Shaking it)
Me: It’s not coming out
Me: ...y’know, I’ve never tried sucking an egg?
Me: Like, this fundamental human experience, a thing our species did for a million years, sufficiently baked into our culture and language that we have expressions for “go suck an egg” and “don’t teach your grandmother to suck eggs”. But now we live disconnected from nature, infantilized, alienated, such that I don’t even know this experience.
Me: Therefore, I should stick my face into this egg.
(Sticks tongue way up there. It was slimy and cool, the gelatinous flesh of the egg parting from the eggshell as I licked it off. It was almost flavorless, with a hint of mucus.)
Me: This is kind of gross.
Me: Oh and now there’s egg white on my pants
Me: This looks like jizz
Me: I hate nature