A Letter To The Fuckboys

Are you aromantic or are you just optimized for getting laid

The problem with optimizing yourself to be very seductive and flashy is that you’re filtering for people who are responsive to that kind of flash. Broad-appeal seductive men are, y’know, tall, socially dominant, and don’t twig the woman’s danger sense of “you will be literally, actually harmed”. Optimizing in this way is nice when you’re 25 and your goal is to fuck a hundred women. But if you’re the certain type of analytical fella — we’re all friends here, we can say “high-IQ” — who’s capable of iterating on that performance of masculine dominance to deliver an Optimized Seduction, then you’re also unlikely to be happy with the median 100 IQ woman, no matter how pretty.

After years of being an alpha chad, of new hookups three times a week and using strangers’ bodies to masturbate, you will find that you long for a wife. A woman who you actually trust and want to rely on as a life partner; whose company you enjoy irrespective of the fucking. A woman who, if she were a dude, you would hang out with.

You have a few options here. You could find a sweet innocent young thing; go full trad and exit your fuckboy lifestyle by finding and marrying a virgin bride. Having children; moving to the suburbs. This is acceptable. This is a pretty good 8/10 ending available to you! Do not be too greedy; there really is no safety net to ensure you get a good life.

Or you could choose to use your discernment. This will involve you paying attention to your own experience — which, note, is trading off against you being very very seductive, so it’s probably not natural for you anymore. You’ll need to do it anyway. And, you’ll need to develop more conscientiousness, so the lady still wants to hang out with you even after y’all fuck, because this is a symmetrical process, and if she’s a quality woman, she’s evaluating you back.

(Every single time I’ve compromised on looks I’ve been happier for it.)

You may experience something of a sex-culture clash. In many cultures, dating is sex-as-prize; the woman evaluates you, tries to determine whether you’re worthy of her, and if you pass, you win sex and are allowed to smash. The sex-as-prize culture has something of a condemnation of women who give the prize easy, for if their trials are not rigorous, they must not value their prize very highly.

There’s a cultural failure mode, then, where someone coming from sex-as-prize culture has sex with someone from sex-as-trial culture. In other cultures — say, American polyamory — the sex is another form of audition, in which you prove yourself to the woman by being really good at sex.

A relationship with the woman is the prize.

Your ability to fuck is just another metric she grades you on. Maybe it has outsized impact in her evaluation of you at certain horny times of the month. And maybe it matters less as you age and each become less groin-activated. But you must not confuse “being a good partner” with “being a good lay” — once the woman has that skepticism in her eyes that shows up after the first two breakups and the next ten hookups, she will stop mistaking the two.

You have to grow up and actually be a good partner. There’s going to be some idiosyncratic things which are tailored for her, with specific dinners or shows or bath bombs but, like, there are certain relationship foundations which will be broadly generalizable. Listening to her. Caring about her experience. Being considerate of how your actions make her feel. Supporting her in hard things. Supporting her in hard times. Demonstrating that the two of you can rely on one another. Understanding one another enough that you can trust very deeply, and be bare-metal honest with each other, basically always.

You have to grow up and actually be a good partner.